


Baby Hotline

by Well_Then_Extract



Series: Zadr Week Phase 2 2019 [7]
Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, i'm incredibly tired and soft, they find a baby in space and are like oh fuck I guess we have to adopt her now, this is just them being wholesome dads, very chaotic dads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-08 12:41:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21476176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Well_Then_Extract/pseuds/Well_Then_Extract
Summary: “We have to keep it,” Dib declared, taking the ship closer.“What!? No!” Zim exclaimed, voice echoing in the small cruiser. “We’re not going to take this smeet home with us! How would we raise it? What if there’s something wrong with it?”“There’s nothing wrong with it!” Dib argued, gesturing to it while he talked.“How do you know that?”“Because! It’s just a baby and it-”The smeet waved at them, flashing a toothless grin and pulling on its feet. It put its hands on the glass, giggling and fogging it up.“We have to take it with us,” Dib decided, his heart pulled in his chest.“I don’t think we have any other choice now,” Zim concurred, eyes wide and focused on the smeet.Dib and Zim are disaster dads.zadr week day 7: family
Relationships: Dib/Zim (Invader Zim)
Series: Zadr Week Phase 2 2019 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1543864
Comments: 18
Kudos: 178





	Baby Hotline

**Author's Note:**

> me, sobbing at midnight: please just let me say dib  
google docs, spitting in my face: oh? you mean dad? you mean dog? you little pussy ass bitch?  
ANYWAY my friend told me I was doing the "surprise adoption but it's actually kidnapping" trope in this fanfic and I can't stop thinking about that.  
Zim and Dib would be such disaster parents and I love them for that.  
Also! Baby Hotline came on my spotify this morning so it was kind of like a sign.  
I'm so tired and it's midnight and I missed the deadline but fuck you I'm putting it here anyway.  
Please enjoy!

Dib hadn’t really anticipated becoming a parent this soon, but it seemed to be the way things were going.

The idea ong a parent gets scarier as you get older, as it gets more real, and it seemed pretty scary now as he and Zim stared at a baby alien that was staring right back at them.

It had been a hard week, his dad had been working him extra hard for no reason, and he had been coming home past midnight every night. Dib was dragged and ordered around all week, given increasingly tasks, and then proceeded to stress out about all of them. Sunday was his day off, and then it was back to work the next day.

Dib was stressed out and exhausted all day, and Zim decided to help him calm down by taking him up to space in the voot cruiser, just for a little bit, just because he knew Dib liked it.

He just sometimes took Dib up there, just to sit and look around, just to be away from it all. It wasn’t often that they did this, and Dib was always made breathless by the view.

They were just sitting there quietly, Zim’s hand in Dib’s, watching the stars and faraway planets shine in the distance. They were far away from Earth, not too far, but still far enough that Dib didn’t have to think about any of the things that went on there.

Zim was leaning his head on Dib’s shoulder, antenna gently petting his cheek, Dib’s hand running up and down Zim’s back.

Then Dib noticed something shiny and metallic out of the corner of his eye. He turned to look at it, concerned, then he realized it was a capsule of some sort.

“Zim, what is that?” he asked, squinting at it.

Zim turned his head lazily, not bothering to lift it off of Dib’s shoulder.

“It seems to be a piece of a ship.”

“Let’s look at it,” Dib suggested, reaching for the controls.

“No,” Zim scolded, swatting his hand away, “Zim is comfortable here, he just wants to lay on the Dib’s shoulder and sit here and be lovey with Dib in silence.”

“But what is that thing over there? It’s so shiny,”

“I know you humans are affected by shiny things but _please_ just leave it be,”

“I can’t now, I won’t be able to stop thinking about it,”

“Well, try.” Zim huffed, nuzzling into Dib’s shoulder.

They were quiet for a beat, then Dib reached for the controls again.

“I’m sorry, I gotta look,” Dib gave up, navigating the voot cruiser over to the unknown object.

“Dib!” Zim chastised, glaring at him. “Do not go investigate this thing you know nothing about! This is how you humans die!”

“But I gotta know! We have to find out the truth!”

Zim groaned, putting his face in his hands.

Dib released a hook from the ship, steering it over to the object. Up close it looked like one of those plastic containers that toys come in that you could get for a quarter from machines at arcades.

“What’s in it?” Zim asked nervously, leaning forward to look.

“I think it’s some stickers,” Dib joked, poking at the capsule, “maybe an eraser.”

The capsule turned over, and a clear sheet of glass was revealed on the other side. Inside the capsule was a bundle of blankets and a little version of an Irken.

“Oh my God,” Dib gasped, staring wide-eyed at the baby in the metal ball.

“It’s a smeet,” Zim murmured, leaning further toward the window, he pushed a few buttons on the control panel, bringing them closer. “What’s it doing out here?”

“I wouldn’t know, I’m not super well-versed in this subject.”

“Maybe its ship crashed or was damaged so it got lost? Or maybe it was abandoned…” Zim trailed off, frowning.

“We have to keep it,” Dib declared, taking the ship closer.

“What!? No!” Zim exclaimed, voice echoing in the small cruiser. “We’re not going to take this smeet home with us! How would we raise it? What if there’s something wrong with it?”

“There’s nothing wrong with it!” Dib argued, gesturing to it while he talked.

“How do you know that?”

“Because! It’s just a baby and it-”

The smeet waved at them, flashing a toothless grin and pulling on its feet. It put its hands on the glass, giggling and fogging it up.

“We have to take it with us,” Dib decided, his heart pulled in his chest.

“I don’t think we have any other choice now,” Zim concurred, eyes wide and focused on the smeet. 

So Dib launched the hook towards the capsule, grabbing it solidly and pulling it inside the ship.

And that was that.

* * *

“First… we should name it. Right?”

“Yes, that does seem right.”

“Okay so, Irken names…”

“Right.”

The smeet was sitting on the table, bundled in blankets, blinking up at the two of them. Every time it looked at Dib he felt his organs turn to mush.

“Uh what was the name of that tall lady you killed?” Dib asked abruptly, rubbing his chin.

“Tak?” Zim clarified, whipping his head around to face Dib.

“No, the other one. The tall one. Zim’s face scrunched up, eyes glaring intensely at Dib.

“I’m not naming our child after Tallest Miyuki out of all people,” he growled through gritted teeth.

“Miyuki! That’s it,” Dib said, ignoring Zim.

“She needs a noble name! Something that strikes fear into all beings, something that will be burned into the filthy inhabitants of this planet’s brains!” Zim shouted, jumping onto his toes briefly as he got worked up.

“It’s a she?” Dib asked, glancing back over at the baby.

“Yes, you can tell from her eye shape.” Zim told him, looking over at the Smeet as well.

“Alright, so we need girl names.”

“Correct.

“Um, how about Vara?”

“No, that’s a man’s name on Irk.”

“Really? Wow.”

“Mil is a girl’s name,”

“It’s too boring, and it sounds like a unit of measurement.”

“Lag?”

“God, no.”

“Kay.”

“No, Jewelry company. We’re not naming this kid after a company of any kind.”

“Agreed,” Zim paused, scratching his neck in thought.

“Ehm?”

“Kinda plain.”

“Are?”

“That’s a word, no.”

“Tee, that’s a noble name,”

“Those were all just letters.” Dib complained.

“I’m trying my best!” Zim snapped, throwing his tiny arms out in frustration.

“I’m sorry! But all your names are terrible!”

Zim huffed, antenna flattening against his head briefly.

“Why don’t we try some human names?” Dib suggested.

“Human names are icky,” Zim dismissed, brushing Dib off with a wave of his hand.

He rolled his eyes, folded his arms.

“I do like that one human name,” Zim admitted, “maggot or something like that.”

“_What_?” Dib gawked.

“Maggot, that’s a name right?”

“No! Maggie is name, not maggot!”

“Maggie is gross, I like maggot.”

“I am not naming our baby after a bug that eats corpses, Zim!”

“That’s so cool though! Imagine how unstoppable she’d be!”

“No! I am not saddling a child with having to live with a name like _Maggot_”

Zim huffed again, folding his arms and looking away.

“You could call her ‘mags’ for short.”

Dib breathed out a tired laugh.

“Let’s go back to the Irken names then, and try finding some that have more than three letters.”

“There’s Kumi, Loun, Kastur, Lind, and-”

“Wait what was that middle one?”

“Kastur.”

“I like that one,” Dib said, smiling over at Zim.

“It’s a good name, you picked wisely. Many great invaders have had that name.” Zim spoke softly, shifting a little closer to Dib.

“It’s cute, it sounds like casket.”

“Oh sure, that’s fine, but maggot is too far?” Zim mocked, leaning on Dib.

“Those are two _very _different things,” Dib laughed, bumping Zim lightly with his hips, “if you want Spaceboy, we can make her middle name Maggot and no one will ever have to know.”

Zim sighed, wrapping his arms around Dib’s torso.

“Fine, I suppose that works too.”

The smeet made a gurgling sound, trying to shove both of her fists into her mouth.

“Hi Kastur,” Dib greeted, walking over and kneeling down in front of her, “I’m one of your dads,” Kastur blew a spit bubble and stuck her tongue out, huge eyes focusing on Dib.

“And I’m Zim, your far superior dad.” Zim introduced, sitting next to Dib on the floor.

“Really? Even now you have to one up me?” “It’s best that she gets it into her head early,” Zim replied, smirking at Dib, nudging him in the side.

Kastur gurgled again, reaching forward and planting her tiny hand on Zim’s face.

A wave of affection washed over Dib, so strong that it made his head spin for a second.

“I already love her,” he mumbled, reaching out a finger to poke her stomach gently.

Kastur giggled, foot lifting up against her will to dislodge Dib’s finger.

“Me too,” Zim agreed, completely fixated on the smeet, he looked smitten, “I’m glad we didn’t leave her out there,”

“Wow, high praise there Zim,”

He glared at Dib for a beat, then turned back to Kastur, anger immediately melting away.

Dib wasn’t really expecting to become a father, but he could get used to it.

That night was spent getting the house situated for the smeet, making a tiny nest out of blankets and sweeping dangerous objects off of tables and hidden in drawers.

(It also included keeping GIR confined to the underground base, because apparently he had a track record for eating babies.)

Dib didn’t end up falling asleep until four in the morning, and it was only because he couldn’t stay awake any longer.

He fell asleep on the couch, listening to Zim prattle off smeet facts as he balanced Kastur on his hip.

Dib didn’t really notice how amazing and sweet and perfect Zim looked while doing domestic things, but it really slapped him in the face now.

At five in the morning, Zim shook Dib awake, and Dib instantly panicked that something happened with the smeet.

“What’s going on?” Dib asked, voice slurred with sleep, struggling to keep its urgent tone.

“Your alarm was going off,” Zim answered, handing Dib his phone.

“Oh fuck I have work today,” Dib cursed, running a hand through his hair.

“You’ve only slept for an hour,” Zim pointed out.

“I know, but I have to go in,”

“Or,” Zim started, kicking at the ground and looking away, “you could call in sick.”

Dib blinked at him.

“Really?”

“Yes, you father wouldn’t question you! You have a great work record, you’re his son, you should be able to pull it off,” Zim encouraged, laying a hand on Dib’s arm.

“Alright,” Dib decided, trying to hype himself up, “alright I’m going to call in sick.”

“Yeah!” Zim cheered, pumping his fist in the air.

“I’m calling my dad!”

“Do it!”

“It’s ringing!” Dib exclaimed, then paused when the panic of the situation creeped in. “It’s ringing.”

“Hello?” the voice of his father answered.

“Hi dad,” Dib greated, and Zim gave him a thumbs up.

(Or his equivalent of a thumbs up.)

“I’m- um- I’m not going to…”

“Spit it out, son,”

“I’m not going to be able to come into work today.”

There it was, the band-aid ripped off.

The line was silent for a minute.

“And why is that?”

Zim pulled Kas up from the ground, holding her in his arms.

“I’m uh-” Dib started, trailing off as he watched Zim lift Kas into the air and then bring her back down, making spaceship noises, “I’m sick.”

“You’re sick?” his dad repeated skeptically, Dib could picture him raising his eyebrow.

“Yeah, I’m really sick, I uh-” Dib coughed, “I threw up uh, all over the bathroom this morning.”

His dad sighed.

“You probably didn’t need to tell me that part,”

“Maybe not.”

He sighed again, heavier this time.

“It’d probably be best if you didn’t come in and infect all the other employees, since you threw up so recently you’re highly contagious right now.”

“Yeah,” Dib agreed, trying not to sound as excited as he was.

“I _suppose_,” his dad started reluctantly, “you can stay home as to not contaminate the lab and the employees.”

Dib grinned, sitting up straight on the couch.

“Thank you so much Dad,”

“Just feel better by tomorrow, I need you here to work,”

“Yeah, for sure!” Dib tried to keep his relief of of his voice, he pumped his fist. “Thank you!” he repeated, and then hung up abruptly.

Zim was spinning Kas in a circle and blowing raspberry, but he stopped when he saw Dib looking at him.

“What?”

“I got the day off,” Dib announced, doing jazz hands lightly.

“That’s good, it’s really better that you be here long enough for the smeet to imprint on you,” Zim explained, pulling Kas to his face and touching his forehead to hers, “otherwise she might not recognize you as a parent ever and will treat you like a weird old man, or maybe try to destroy you.”

“Well then I guess it’s good that I’ll be here,” Dib replied, getting comfortable on the couch again.

“You should go back to sleep,” Zim suggested, resting Kastur against his hip.

“I don’t want to leave you by yourself with Kas though,” Dib argued, but his eyelids were sliding shut.

“I’ll be alright,” Zim smiled softly at him, and leaned in to kiss his forehead, “get some rest worm baby,"

Dib smiled back, settling in to the couch and letting sleep weigh heavy on his limbs.

Five hours later, Dib was sitting on the floor, Kastur was sitting in front of him, and Zim was watching from the couch.

He brushed his finger against Kas’s face, and she curved into it like a cat, giggling and leaning into him. Dib whimpered, he felt his heart squeeze and his chest get tight with love.

It occurred to him that he’d die for this baby.

“Why are you making that noise?”

“It’s so cute, she’s so cute,” Dib cooed, he felt his face get soft.

“Yes, Zim is aware of how cute smeets are,” he paused, watched Kas grab Dib’s hand with her incredibly small fingers, “she is definitely the cutest one though.”

“For sure,” Dib agreed, sticking his tongue out at her.

Kas clapped her hands and stuck hers out back at him.

“What are we going to feed her? What do smeets eat?” Dib asked suddenly, Kas had taken his finger and was sucking on it with her bare gums. It felt weird, her mouth was squishy.

“What irkens eat,” Zim explained shortly, resting his head in his arms on the arm rest, “carbs and simple sugars.”

“Do they need milk or anything?”

Zim hummed in thought.

“Typically yes, but she’s already past that stage. Also, most invaders are kept in their capsules until the period of them needed milk is over for convenience.”

“Hmm,” Dib mumbled, tilting his head at Kas.

She blinked at him and tilted her head back.

“I’m gonna try some things, hang on,” Dib said, standing up and walking over to the kitchen.

Zim watched curiously as Dib came back in with some assorted candies and a toasted eggo waffle.

“Okay Kas, let’s see how you like this,” Dib prompted, ripping off a tiny chunk of the waffle and feeding it to her.

Kas ate it immediately, but then scrunched up her face and spat it out on the floor.

“Aw hey what was wrong with that?” Dib questioned, pouting at her.

“Those toaster waffles are disgusting, it’s no wonder she doesn’t like them,” Zim called from the couch.

“Alright, let’s try… these,” Dib ignored Zim, pouring out some Sugar Babies into his hand and handing one to Kas.

She stuck it in her mouth with zero hesitation, then her eyes lit up and she started chewing quickly. She smiled when she finished. And held out her hand for another.

“She likes them!” Dib exclaimed, grinning as Kas happily ate another Sugar Baby.

“Of course she does,” Zim grumbled, “they’re made of just sugar.”

“Shut up, I finally found a food she likes,” Dib shot back, turning around to glare at Zim as he poured Kas some more Sugar Babies.

“Shut up,” a tiny voice gurgled from behind them.

Dib and Zim both whipped back around, staring at Kas, who was now banging her hands on the floor.

“Did she just-”

“She hasn’t done that before,”

They spoke over each other, then made eye contact for a second before Zim jumped off the couch, running over to them, Dib picked Kas up and spun her around.

“Oh my God she can talk! She can talk now!” he cheered as Zim followed him around in circle, hopping excitedly.

“Do you think we can get her to say it again?” Zim asked, then grabbed Dib’s arm and lowered it so he could look as her.

“Kastur! Say it again, say the word again!”

“Say it again!”

“Say it again!”

“C’mon Kas, say it again,”

“Say it again!” he and Zim chanted, Dib bounced her slightly in her arms to encourage her.

"Shut up,” she cooed, a giggle bubbled out after she said it.

“Listen to her talk!” Zim squeaked, delight and pride shining in his eyes.

“Listen to her little voice, oh my God” Dib squealed, hugging her in tighter. “Is she supposed to be able to talk this early?"

“I don’t know, but she’s definitely one of the smartest Irkens ever,” Zim said decisively, then he started babbling to her in baby talk.

“You’re so smart, yes you are, yes you are,” Zim cooed, holding her face in his hands.

“Shut up,” she jabbered again, smiling at her parents.

Zim and Dib shared another glance before screaming excitedly again and spinning her around in circles. 

* * *

Later that night, Zim and Dib and Kas were laying in bed.

Dib was starting to fall asleep and if he wasn’t mistaken, so was Kastur.

“It looks like she’s getting tired.” He spoke up, voice obviously tired.

“She is,” Zim confirmed, his head was laying on Dib’s chest, watching Kastur curl up in a ball on Dib’s stomach.

“I thought Irkens didn’t sleep?”

“Adults don’t, but smeets don’t have fully functional paks yet. They’re still getting used to them, and the paks can’t administer all the nutrients and hormones as in adults, so smeets still need to sleep.” Zim explained, gently running a hand down Kastur’s back.

“Oh, that makes sense I guess,” Dib yawned, the deep inhale startled Kas, and she got up and reposistioned herself like a dog. “I don’t know anything about raising smeets,” Dib admitted softly.

“It’s a lot like raising a human baby, just a few extra steps.” Zim assured him, rubbing a soothing circle on Dib’s chest with his hand.

“I don’t know how to raise a human baby either. In high skool, I left the baby doll at my house for two days in a row.”

“That’s alright, GIR ate mine,” Zim chuckled.

“Really? I didn’t know that” Dib laughed, looking down at Zim in amused shock.

Zim nodded against his chest.

“He just swallowed it whole, I had to pay for it. Stupid public schools…” Zim trailed off, and silence swooped in.

“What are we going to do about her going to skool? About her having a life her? About tomorrow when I have to go to work?” Dib asked, worry seeped into the sentence.

Zim shrugged, he brushed a finger delicately against Kastur’s cheek. “I don’t know, we’re resourceful, we'll figure it out.”

“I feel like we should have a better plan than ‘we’ll figure it out,’”

“Have we ever had a plan for anything we do?”

“No,” Dib admitted, he saw where Zim was going with this.

“And look at us now, everything worked out,”

“I guess you’re right,” Dib sighed, he was especially tired now.

Zim shuffled and pulled Dib closer to him.

“Everything will work out,” Zim purred, “and if it doesn’t we can go off into space and join the Resisty, or start a farm somewhere and you can be my exotic alien trophy husband.”

Dib grinned, petting Zim’s head, his head spun with adoration.

“Zim you always know just what to say,” he responded, half-serious, his voice getting hoarse.

Zim hummed, brushed his antenna against Dib’s jaw.

“I know, you’d be lost without me.”

And as Dib fell asleep, Kastur snoring gently on his stomach, Zim purring on his chest, he thought maybe Zim was right.

**Author's Note:**

> And then everyone CLAPPED!  
I DID IT!!! A ONE SHOT A DAY FOR A WEEK!!! AAA I'M PROUD OF MYSELF!!!!  
My friend got increasingly worried as I stayed up late every night to write these but I did it! I did it!  
Also like, I love Dib and Zim as parents and I cry about it all the time.  
Despite how exhausted I am (and will be tomorrow oops) I loved doing this!!! This week was so fun and really challenged me as a writer and I loved all the prompts and ALL THE PRAISE YOU GUYS HAVE GIVEN ME ON MY PREVIOUS FICS MAKES ME CRY REAL TEARS LIKE OH MY GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE IT :D  
One last time, my tumblr is punchyshipszadr and I adore it with my whole heart whenever someone sends me an ask or dms me, so don't be shy!  
I live for comments and kudos, every single one makes me so happy.  
Thank you for reading!


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